Stryker Speaks

Well I finally broke down and decided to go get a physical yesterday. Its been close to 10 years since the last time I had a check up, and I figured it was about time.

I don’t like the doctors office for a number of reasons, but usually because things happen to me that don’t happen to other people.

• Ruptured ear drum leads to impacted ear wax
• Orgasm triggered migrains and to quote the dr “well THATS weird“
• Bells Palsy When my face was paralyzed! LOL OK that was funny Right Sarah?
• Stitches when I stabbed myself with a knife (long story)
• OH When I got hit with a hockey puck in my knee and my ankle swelled up to 3 times its size

Anyway you get the point, when I go to the doctor, something weird happens. So I make my appointment and head off to the clinic. I do everything I’m told I even fast for the 15 hrs prior so they can do some tests (I have a theory that they do that just to see if you will actually play their game...).

So I’m sitting in the lobby listening to my iPhone when I hear the nurse come in and say “-athan” I look over and she smiles at me as I get up. We go back and she weighs me (EEEK maybe thats why they had me fasting) Then she takes me into one of those meat lockers they call an exam room, why the F are those things always 34 degrees?! She says “So your birthday is 3-22-1965” Um no not even close, Do I REALLY look like I’m 42?!?! Not off to a great start…apparently she was looking for JAY-son…..

A few minutes later I’m called back and we again weigh me (Hey I lots 3 lbs sitting in the lobby, now height awe F*** I’m shrinking! I’ve lost an inch and a half!) Well enough of that, we go sit down and she takes my vitals and then reads them back to me like I have some understanding of if they are good or bad “BP 120 over 77, Heart rate 52 BPM“, So I dont want to disappoint her, I’ve seen ER Damn it… so I shout “I need 15cc’s of morphine and a crash cart STAT!” she looks a confused, and a little scared and tells me the doctor will be here in just a moment (I am not sure if that was meant to be a threat/warning or not)

Well the doctor comes in and he sits down and grabs my chart and starts reading it, he has this aloof attitude as though he is FAR to important to be here, but is making some kind of charity exception. After finishing my chart he looks at me and says “It appears that you are allergic to cats”as though I had failed to disclose some important fact to him by not announcing it when he entered the room.  I explained that I had a very minor cat allergy so minor in fact that It rarely is even noticed. He responds “yes well its good that you mentioned it“. HmmMaybe there is some new medication that is made from cat hair … I know in china town you can buy tiger paws to increase your virility (although I’m not sure exactly what your supposed to do with the paw....) I thank him, not being able to come up with anything else to say to that comment.

He begins the exam checking my neck for what ever they are looking for, listening to me breath, and the having me lay down then he puts his hand on my stomach and thumps it with his other hand apparently checking the acoustics of my abdominal cavity. I have this weird image of doctors all over the world gathering with their patients and performing a stomp style routine by thumping the beat out on peoples stomachs…

Once he has determined that the doughy goodness of my stomach is not properly tuned for a doctors only bongo session he tells me I can stand up and put my shirt back on. Then turning he glances at my chart again and says, and I swear I am not making this up “Well your pretty young I dont think I need to check your prostate or stick my finger up your butt”

SHAWA?!?!?!?!? Aside from the fact that I am fairly sure (based on my medical knowledge from TV) that I am a good 10 years off from that humiliating experience. This doctor has a sense of humor?! If there is one rule I live my life by it is that there are some people who never have a sense of humor and joking with them will only make things worse among these are Doctors, Police officers, and your barber. That being said my tongue is faster then my brain, and before I can stop my self I say “well there goes your tip”.

After that he takes me out to the “other” lobby, I swear to God Doctors offices are built around waiting, I think the plan is if they make you wait long enough you just might drop dead and then they dont have do do anything…

There’s the lobby when you come in, then you have to go to the exam room and wait there, then there is the lobby for the lab area then you are taken to the lab “collection” area (slang for where you pee in a cup and they stab you with needles, kind of like the movie train spotting) Then when they are done with that there is the lobby to make a follow up appointment, after that you have to wait in the pharmacy.

Is all that waiting really needed?! Couldn’t the doctor stick me with a needle or do you need a special correspondents course ordered from Guam to be qualified to do that ?

And if he can write the prescription why the hell cant he just give me the pills. I mean come on pharmacists are professional counters! “Hmm this prescription is for 30 days and you take 3 pills a day, dont worry I can figure this out…I went to Pharmacy school……” Christ you can do that by 3rd grade (although there is a strong chance I would put one or more of the pills in my mouth in 3rd grade… )

Oh and one last thing EVERYBODY a the clinic told me about there great new product, they now have my records available to me ONLINE?! They all told me about how great it was and how I could go on day or night and check out my own medical history….with them…..that started yesterday……and so far says “allergic to cats”. Oh well they were excited about it…. I remember how I felt when I got my first internet. Oh yeah that was over 15 YEARS AGO… well at least our medical technology is keeping up (if you have a moment read this artical from 2004 about he new medical “devices” that were recently approved by the FDA), even if the record keeping isnt.

Well thats about it for my first doctors visit in 10 years…Now where are those test results….